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My Favorite Biblical Top Five Lists

 By Scott E. Roeben

Top Five Unimpressive Miracles of Christ

5. Walked on watermelon.

4. Cured leper of a headcold.

3. Got out of Christmas shopping his entire life.

2. Ascended into heaven without losing luggage.

1. Turned water into urine.


Top Five Quotes that Never Made it into the Bible

5. Thomas: "Aliens? Bigfoot? Sure, I believe it."

4. A Wise Man: "All of us can't bring myrrh. I hope you kept your receipts."

3. Satan: "Is it hot, or is it just me?"

2. Mary: "Yeah, that's it. The Holy Spirit. Who else would it have been?"

1. Isaiah: "Trust me, I know which hand it's in."


Top Five Novelty Items of Biblical Times

5. The Squirting Shroud

4. Moisture-Proof Chinese Cookware (For woking on water.)

3. Insta-Locust (For the rebel without a plague.)

2. Burning Bush Birthday Candles

1. Rubber Crown O' Thorns


Top Five Bands of Biblical Times

5. Goliath and the Migraines

4. The Blue Brothers (Cain and Abel on keyboards)

3. The Drummer Boyz

2. Peter and the Denials

1. The Rolling Tombstones


Top Five Atheists In Heaven







Top Five Best Pieces of Advice of the Biblical Era

5. Jonah: "Use lemon juice to get that fishy smell off of your hands.

4. Daniel: "Stay very, very still."

3. John The Baptist: "Don't invest in too many hats."

2. Methuselah: "Life begins at 900." (He was supposed to have lived to be 969, by the way.)

1. Jesus: "Always eat a good breakfast before a resurrection."


Top Five Recipes of Biblical Times

5. Delilah's Angelhair Pasta

4. Solomon's 50/50 Split Peas

3. Judas' Eggs Benedict

2. Noah's Rootbeer Float

1. Satan's Hot Cross Buns


Top Five Most Popular Self-Help Books of Biblical Times

5. Moses: "Freeing Your People With No Money Down."

4. Noah: "Sink or Swim: The Drowner's Guide to the Deluge."

3. Adam: "Smart Men, Foolish Choices."

2. Herod: "Finding and Eliminating Your Inner Child."

1. God: "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Everything." (Length: Infinite.)


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