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What Your Sleep Positions Say About You

By Scott Roeben

What do your sleep positions say about you? What insights do your nocturnal contortions provide about your inner thoughts, your hopes and secret fantasies? For years, sleep experts have studied the relationship between how we sleep and how we feel. At last, the results of the research are available here—exclusively at

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A whopping 43 percent of us sleep on our backs. The position shows confidence and mental wellbeing. It expresses an openness and a generally bright outlook on life.

Many people sleep on their side. This popular position shows a small degree of insecurity, and often indicates growing stress overflowing from the sleeper's waking hours.

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Sleeping on the stomach has been shown to correlate with hidden aggression. The "face down" position is often a precursor to dramatic and sometimes detrimental shifts in the sleeper's emotional life.

This variation of lying on one's back is known as the "Deathwish." It is characterized by hands folded on one's chest and shows the sleeper's subconscious hope that he or she will be pushed into the path of an oncoming bullet train.

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The "L" position was first observed during the 1940s. Experts believe this fairly rare position reveals the sleeper's secret yearning to swim in a giant vat of alphabet soup.

Referred to as the "Hazel," this position clearly indicates that a sleeper harbors an unnatural desire to become a domestic servant.

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In this position—which utilizes a  strategically positioned pillowcase—the sleeper reverts to infancy. It is clear this represents a longing for simpler times, as well as a profound urge to "go poopy."

The unusual utilization of pillows in this configuration indicates a sexual timidity, usually brought on by some sexual dysfunction such as not being able to "get any" even after dating livestock.

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More Sleep Positions!

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