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You Know You're
Getting Old When...

Time. What a bastard. Let's face it, we're all going to grow old. But how do we know when we've arrived? We're here to help. You know you're getting old when...

A 30-year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

You no longer consider staying under the speed limit a challenge.

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

You know you're a grown-up because you groan every time you get up.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You turn out the light for economic reasons.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You're proud of your lawn mower.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You're asleep, but others worry you're dead.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You learn where your prostate is.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer questions with, "Because I said so!"

You know what the word "equity" means.

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