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"I'm a committed bachelor. One of my favorite
oxymorons is engagement party."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Hospitals are so expensive now. I went in for a blood transfusion
and there was a two pint minimum."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I was shopping for a car and asked the salesman the sticker price.
He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said. 'The car's extra,' he said."

Scott E. Roeben


"I'm not all that hip. Today, somebody said something about being 'old school,'
and I thought they were talking about Yale."

Scott E. Roeben


"They say that if you want to get someone's attention, whisper.
I say if you want to get someone's attention, eye gouge."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Life is strange. Come to find out, the only thing
I'm allergic to is allergy medicine."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I bought a Ouija board. The pointer spelled out,
'You don't actually believe in this crap, do you?'"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Whenever I hear Southerners talking about the South rising again,
I start to feel like my lunch might do the same thing."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"If you think about it,
it really should be called lubrican."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"What's the dumbest thing ever?
A porn star asking, 'What's my motivation?'"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"The Hooters Hotel and Casino here in Las Vegas isn't doing too well,
I've heard. I guess you might say their business is sagging."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I believe that if someone makes you calamari, you should
make them calamari in return. You know, squid pro quo."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'm the outdoor type. As soon as a woman mentions commitment, I'm out the door."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'm a little obsessive about grammar.
I always thought the band should be called The Whom."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Experts now believe bedwetting is more mental than physical,
but as far as I'm concerned, that theory just doesn't hold water."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'm a paranoid exhibitionist. I always feel like
I'm being watched, but I don't particularly care."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"What do you use to let people know you're selling 'For Sale' signs?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I swam 400 laps today. And that wasn't easy.
Half the time the shower curtain was in the way."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I enjoy painting wildlife. But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Henry David Thoreau once said, 'Goodness is the only investment that never fails.'
He obviously never sent away for Sea Monkeys."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Studies have discovered most pessimists have
the same blood type. B-negative."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Discuss marriage with my girlfriend? I'd rather be
reincarnated as a urinal cake at Oktoberfest."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I had a three-way the other night. Yeah, that's right.
A threesome. I used both hands."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I read a story about a new drug that's the first to be FDA-approved to treat bipolar disorder.
That news makes me so enraged and ecstatic!"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I wrote the book on sex. And believe
me, it's overdue."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with me complaining
about what a long journey it's going to be."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"My yoga instructor said I need to be more 'centered.' I don't need a class for that.
People have said I'm self-centered for years."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Don't condemn people for their ignorance.
Use it against them."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I got a miniature abacus for my birthday.
It's the little things that count."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I recently learned that birds are abused to make foie gras.
Oh, great. Like we needed another reason to hate the French."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Teach your kids to love animals. They'll figure out the sex thing on their own."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"If you can't say something funny about someone,
don't say anything at all."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Always remember that stupidity has no height requirement."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"What will my friends and loved ones say about me when my life ends and I'm laid to rest?
They'll probably say, 'Wow. He finally got laid.'"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"In the Middle East, peace is what happens when you're looking for more rocks."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"If practice makes perfect, how do you explain taxi drivers?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"In an odd twist, only Time's 2006 'Person of the Year' can prevent forest fires."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"If New York is a melting pot, that must mean Los Angeles is a crock pot."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"House fires could be prevented if people would just start living in tents."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"The masochist's motto: If the shoe fits, it's too big."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I don't have fond memories of the holidays when I was a kid.
My father went to court to have 'welts' legally defined as 'presents.'"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"We use mistletoe as an excuse to kiss strangers
during the holidays. Haven't people ever heard of chloroform?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"When push comes to shove, it's really hard to
tell the difference between a push and a shove."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Life can be ironic. Come to find out, the only thing
I'm allergic to is allergy medicine."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"My car is a convertible. I call it that because when
I turn the key, it converts into a piece of crap."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I once worked at a sperm bank. It took a lot of pull to get that job."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"What's the best way to frighten a Frenchman on Halloween?
Dress up as deodorant."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I figured out a way to make Death Row a little more fun. Musical electric chairs."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"They say that before you get into a relationship, you should
look for red flags. With my girlfriend, it was like watching a military parade in Tiananmen Square."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I believe in the inalienable right to alienate."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"My grandmother's motto is: I complain, therefore I am."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Last week there was a fire at a fire extinguisher
manufacturing plant. It lasted four seconds."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"My girlfriend is a terrible cook. She thinks bouillabaisse
is a place where Marines train."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I have a hectic schedule. I'm busier than someone
who works at the Lemming Suicide Hotline."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I live in a crummy apartment. Once, opportunity
knocked and a wall collapsed."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Good friends are hard to find. Especially in tall grass."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Sex isn't the greatest thing in the world.
Sex with someone else is."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'm a lonely guy. Lately, my own hand has been avoiding my calls."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"If everything is relative, what is everything else?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"It's not a good idea to lie. Especially if you're
in the middle of the road."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'm going through an awkward stage. You know,
the one between birth and death."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"If you can't take the heat, take the iron off your face."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Incest is great. You don't have to get used to
a whole new set of in-laws."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'm not a great lover. Once, I actually gave a
woman an anti-climax."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Sometimes I feel a little like roadkill in a world full of crows."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I guess you could call me a polygamist.
Sometimes I switch hands."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"The best advice I ever got I saw on a bottle of aspirin.
It said: Keep away from children."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Tarot cards are a crock. How do I know?
My astrologer told me so."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Imagine if you were a chicken, and you got the other chickens mad,
and they decided to tar and feather you. No one would notice."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Death is the ultimate appetite suppressant."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Deal with the IRS? Frankly, I'd rather mistake
two rectal thermometers for chopsticks."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the
good stuff is out of your price range."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I took a philosophy test that asked us to explain Nothingness.
I left it blank."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I invented an antiperspirant for dogs. They just lick it."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Why would a doctor 'scrub up' before a bowel dissection?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I know love is blind. But does it have to keep
smacking me in the leg with its cane?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'd hate to be light. You'd get a lot of speeding tickets."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"War is hell. Sweeping up afterward is worse."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Don't condemn people for their ignorance. Use it against them."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I'm giving a party in honor of Ghandi's birthday. No refreshments will be served."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I once worked as a horse trainer.
It was a stable job."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I was once a conductor. I knew more musicians
than you could shake a stick at."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I used to be an inventor. In fact, who do you think
came up with the inflatable voodoo doll?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Does an angry bride make veiled threats?"

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Credit cards? How can people dig themselves into
such deep holes with such little pieces of plastic."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I went to a ball game and visited the concession stand.
I got three concessions and a compromise."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I had a rough childhood. When I was born,
the doctor advised me of my rights."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Finding an honest politician is a difficult thing to do.
Not nearly as difficult, however, as finding a black man with a toupee."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave
me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"I heard that the idea for the patent was stolen."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Women are confusing. They hate it when you ask how old they are,
then they turn around and bite your head off if you forget their birthday."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping.
You get another wife."

Scott E. Roeben

 

"Our family once had a dog that was a mix of Pit Bull and collie.
After it tore your arm off, it would go for help."

Scott E. Roeben

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Scott Roeben, 2006. All rights reserved.

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