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Getting the Perfect Job

By Scott E. Roeben

It is simply unavoidable. No, I am not talking about becoming wrinkled and senile and ending up in an urn on someone's mantle, though that is pretty likely, too. No, I mean employment. No matter how hard you might try, you will have to work at some point during your lifetime. Unless you are a Trump, of course, in which case working is pretty much optional and a "job" primarily serves as a way to meet chicks.

A job, in the most fundamental sense, is something that you hold wherein you perform certain duties so valuable to someone else that they will give you money to do it. The amount of money you are paid is dependent on several things. They are:

1) Your educational background.
2) Your past work experience.
3) How much dough you can manage to skim from petty cash before you are caught.

When looking for a job, it is essential you decide what kind of job you’re best suited to. There are a large variety of rewarding careers you may wish to pursue, but it is important you narrow your search so you can channel all of your energy in one direction. Some of the more popular occupations are listed below.

The Military. It’s not just a job, it’s a...well, yes, then again, it’s just a job. But unlike many jobs, the military affords one the opportunity to be killed. While on the surface this might not seem too appealing, death allows even an ordinary sothead the chance to become a "hero," and this looks great on a resume.

Waitressing. Especially popular with actors and people with attitude problems, the food service industry is an exciting environment in which to work. Waiting tables has roots traced even as far back as Egyptian times, though back then, if service in a restaurant was substandard, those responsible would be tortured and fed to vicious snapping turtles. Many feel this practice should be reinstated.

The Clergy. For those who enjoy celibacy and dipping infants into water, becoming a member of the clergy is the perfect choice. While the financial rewards of this occupation are not substantial, there are other benefits to this line of work. After all, how many other jobs can promise such perks as "all the wafers you can eat," "unlimited kneeling" and "an eternity of goofing off"? Well, all right, some civil service jobs do come close.

While there are jobs other than those mentioned here, experts agree these are your most likely options. Everyone knows that the real jobs are filled by family members of really rich guys.

Once you have decided which path to take, begin your job search by purchasing a newspaper. On second thought, buy several newspapers. These will not provide you with any useful information about finding a job, but after your job hunt sours, and you find yourself sleeping on a park bench, they will provide excellent insulation.

As you begin your quest to become employed, you must take a long, hard look at yourself. How long? I suggest six weeks. Or least until hunger makes you begin to faint. Now, what do you see? Try and evaluate who you are, and make a list of things you might be able to offer to a potential employer. ("A bribe" should not be on this list.) Are you hard-working? Intelligent? Are you a self-starter? Do you know what a "self-starter" is, and can you imagine what it would be like to be stuck in an elevator with one? Ask yourself all these difficult questions. They will help you to determine your limitations, your strengths—should you have any—as well as your willingness to go along with whatever some article author tells you to do, no matter how stupid.

As you begin to make progress in your job search, you may be asked to participate in an "interview." This is merely a chance for an employer to meet and evaluate the candidates for a position in order to weed out those who seem to be black, Hispanic or female.

An interview is your opportunity to really show off who you are and what skills you possess. Appearance is everything when it comes to interviews. The first impression is a lasting one, so it is best to avoid dressing as though you need a job. Be prompt, and make certain you smile a great deal. Smiling is everything when it comes to interviews. Actually, when it comes right down to it, preparation is everything. You know, it is just this kind of confusion that seems to explain the horrendous number of people out of work in this country today. At least two that I know of personally.

So, it is the day of your big interview. Here then, is an example of a fairly typical made-up job interview.

EMPLOYER: Hello, potential employee, (your name.)
YOU: Huh?
EMPLOYER: Please, come in and sit down. Now, (your name), I have had a chance to look over your resume.
YOU: I typed it myself, you know.
EMPLOYER: Tell me a little something about your last position, (your name.)
YOU: Is this a picture of your wife?
EMPLOYER (proudly): Why yes, it is.
YOU: Man, did you marry her on a dare?
EMPLOYER: Listen, (your name), I see that you attended school at...
YOU: I'm starving, can we call out for some Chinese food?
EMPLOYER: Now, in what ways do you feel you are qualified for this opening, (your name.)
YOU: Hey, stop calling me "your name" or I'm going to slap you until you hemorrhage.
EMPLOYER: When can you start?

Now, does that seem to be the proper way to handle a job interview? Of course not. Luckily, you were not fooled. This was simply a test. The above example is wholly unrealistic in that it would be very difficult to slap someone hard enough to cause them to hemorrhage. Very good!

Should your interview not land you a job, do not be discouraged. Persistence is essential. Make finding a job a job in itself. Get up early each day and visit employment agencies, make phone calls to contacts, revise and update your resume. Acting employed will give you confidence, and will help you to ignore the fact that your heat has been turned off and that you have been served an eviction notice.

The alternative to finding a job, of course, is becoming your own boss. Many find that they would prefer to start their own business than submit to the humiliation of groveling for a job. But being an entrepreneur is difficult—nearly as difficult as spelling "entrepreneur." Remember, a majority of new businesses fail within their first year of operation. This is often due to the fact that most new businesses simply rely too much upon "income" or "profitability." Think off the page!

But this is not a guide to opening a business. Instead, it is a guide about getting the perfect job.

Frankly, there is no perfect job.

Does that statement shock you? Do you feel cheated somehow? Duped?

Well, that is exactly how you should feel. Because it is that feeling which best reflects getting a job, anyway. Incompetent people being promoted before you are, the government taking home more than you do each month, being taken advantage of by those with power. Why would you EVER want to get a job? You don't need a job. I mean it. Look, this country throws away enough food to feed thousands like you.

Work is for wimps. Work is for those without the boldness to panhandle, without the cleverness to cheat the Welfare Department, without the confidence to urinate in public. And without the foresight to have bought newspapers to keep them warm.

See? Told you.


Scott Roeben, 2000. All rights reserved.