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Quotes from Woody Allen

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

By love, of course, I refer to romantic love—the love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

Don't knock masturbation—it's sex with someone I love.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I am at two with nature.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia.

I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick—not wounded—dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm so excited—I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering—and it's all over much too soon.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else.

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing—between five, it's fantastic.

Sex is dirty—only when it's done right.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

There are three things Jewish people worship—God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again—this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

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