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Alternate Ways of Calling
Someone Stupid

The following are some creative ways of saying someone's stupid. Use with discretion, especially in reference to employers and/or mothers-in-law.

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A few birds shy of a flock.
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A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

A brain like a BB in a boxcar.

A couple of slates short of a full roof.

A couplet short of a sonnet.

A few beads short in her rosary.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few birds shy of a flock.

A few bombs short of a full load.

A few bricks short of a wall.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few clues shy of a solution.

A few ears short of a bushel.

A few feathers short of a duck.

A few fish short of a string.

A few guppies short of an aquarium.

A few inches short of a foot.

A few kernels short of an ear.

A few links shy of a chain.

A few open splices.

A few peas short of a casserole.

A few pickles short of a jar.

A few pies short of a holiday.

A few points short of a polygon.

A few ants short of a picnic.

A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.

A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

A flower short of an arrangement.

A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.

A lap behind the field.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

A room temperature IQ.

A signature short of a book.

A square with only three sides.

A titanic intellect...in a world full of icebergs.

A tower short of a castle.

A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.

A violin minus the bow.

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All hammer, no nail.
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A walking argument for birth control.

A wind-up clock without a key.

All booster, no payload.

All foam, no beer.

All hammer, no nail.

All hat and no cattle.

All lime and salt, no tequila.

All shot, no powder.

All wax and no wick.

Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.

Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground).

Answers the door when the phone rings.

As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.

As bright as a nightlight.

As focused as a fart.

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

As smart as a lawyer is honest.

Back burners not fully operating.

Baler done run out of twine.

Batteries not included.

Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

Born a day late and like that ever since.

Born during low tide in the gene pool.

Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.

Brain permanently in power saving mode.

Brain transplant donor.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.

Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

Cart can't hold all the groceries.

Cheats when filling out opinion polls.

Chimney's clogged.

Clock doesn't have all its numbers.

Contents settled some during shipping.

Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

Couldn't write dialogue for a porno flick.

Cranio-rectally inverted.

Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Differently clued.

Dock doesn't quite reach the water.

Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.

Doesn't have a round in every chamber.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.

Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.

Driving at night with the lights off.

Driving with two wheels in the sand.

Dumb as a sack of hammers.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Eight pawns short of a gambit.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the penthouse.

Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.

End of season sale at the cerebral department.

Fighting the war with a water pistol.

Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

Landing on one engine.

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Four cents short of a nickel.
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Four cents short of a nickel.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

Goalie for the dart team.

Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.

Half a bubble off plumb.

Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.

Has change for a seven dollar bill.

Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.

Has it floored in neutral.

Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.

Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent."

Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.

Has the mental agility of a soap dish.

Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.

He writes blank checks on a closed account.

He's really into himself. His head is up his ass.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

Her blender doesn't go past "mix."

Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.

Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.

Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.

Her wipers don't touch the glass.

High relative humidity. He's lost in a fog.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.

His elevator is stuck between floors.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

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His jack can't get the car off the ground.
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His head whistles in a cross wind.

His jack can't get the car off the ground.

His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

His mind is write-protected.

His mind wandered and never came back.

His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.

His strip is demagnetized.

His system administrator is never in.

If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.

If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.

If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Immune from any serious head injury.

IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.

It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.

Just another flash in the bedpan.

Knitting with only one needle.

Leaky sunroof.

Left the store without all of his groceries.

Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.

Long on dry wall, short on studs.

Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.

Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Mooring lines don't reach the dock.

Needs another brain to make half-wit.

Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.

Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.

No coins in the old fountain.

No filter in the coffeemaker.

No grain in the silo.

No hay in the loft.

Not Intel Inside.

Not running on full thrusters.

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Not shooting pool on a level table.
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Not shooting pool on a level table.

Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.

On permanent leave of absence from his senses.

One board short of a porch.

One boot stuck in the sand.

One rail short of a bank shot.

One drop short of an empty bladder.

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

One pearl short of a necklace.

One prayer short of absolution.

One sentence short of a paragraph.

One ship short of a full fleet.

One step short of the attic.

Out there where the buses don't run.

People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.

Playing baseball with a rubber bat.

Plays solitaire for cash.

Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.

Receiver is off the hook.

Room for rent, unfurnished.

Running U.S. appliances on British current.

Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

She only packed half a sandwich.

Single-sided, low density.

Sitting in the right pew, but in the wrong church.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.

So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.

Some bugs in his software.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.

Someone blew out his pilot light.

Sort of like an inverse Einstein.

Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Teflon brain--nothing sticks.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet.

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.

Three chickens short of a henhouse.

Too many birds on her antenna.

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Two sheep short of a sweater.
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Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Took the little bus to school.

Two chapters short of a novel.

Two degrees off square.

Two saucers short of a tea-service.

Two sheep short of a sweater.

Useful as a chocolate teapot.

Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

Vacancy on the top floor.

Views mold as a higher life form.

Warranty expired.

Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.

Wise as the world is flat.

Zero K memory.


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