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Actual Lines from Resumes

Job hunting can provide us with some interesting challenges. It can also provide us with some entertainment. The following are excerpts from real resumes and cover letters. Let the ridicule and/or pity begin.

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It's best for employers that I not work with people.
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I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

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Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
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Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed—a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

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Served as assistant sore manager.
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Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

Special skills: Thyping.

My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

I can play well with others.

Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.

Experience: Provided correct answers to customers' questions.

I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost.

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.

Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.

Special skills: Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping.

Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

Work best with kids five and under.

Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.

I have happily been a "kept man" for the past 10 years.

Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.

I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.

Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.

I'm inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open.

Experience: Completed semester project with a classmate of mind.

While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.

My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.

Hire me and you won't regret it—I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really.

Referees available upon request.

Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills.

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Previous rank: Senior instigator.
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Work history: Bakery—proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards.

Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy.

Previous rank: Senior instigator.

Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within.

I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.

Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.

Interests: Music, dancing computers.

Personal achievements: Successfully played "Chop Sticks" on a toy piano with my big toes.

Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.

Strengths: Impersonal skills.

Experience: Cocktail sever.

Honors: Have been named most reliable, most popular and best actor in school.

Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.

Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.

Duties: Constant oversight of kennel operations.

Other: Joined the Air Force in 1776.

Vocational plans: Sea World.

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