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You're Probably a Redneck If...

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You're probably a redneck if your family tree doesn't fork.
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More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your gene pool doesn't have a deep end.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

The primary color of your car is "bondo."

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for your grandmother to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is, "What the hell are you looking at, shithead?"

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You're probably a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
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You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You have a special baseball cap for formal occasions.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You think the mountain men in "Deliverance" were just "misunderstood."

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your idea of talking during sex is, "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

You've been on TV more than five times describing the sound of a tornado.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

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You're probably a redneck if you can burp and say your name at the same time.
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You spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's 14.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You can burp and say your name at the same time.

You were caught bringing a fishing pole into Sea World.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You think the last line of The Star Spangled Banner is "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending upon how much gas it has in it.

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You're probably a redneck if you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
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One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.

You ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

The Home Shopping Network operator recognizes your voice.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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