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Lawyer Jokes

Lawyers. You can't live with them, and, yeah, you can't live with them. Here, then, are a few more lawyer jokes, because without lawyers, yeah, what would that be like?

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Q: What do you call a lawyer that's gone bad?

A: Senator.
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A boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

A man meets a friend and sees his friend's car is a total loss—it's covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer." "OK," says the friend, "that explains the blood, but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" The man replies, "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested we call him a defense lawyer.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Two scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior modification studies. "We've started something new at my lab," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers." "Lawyers?" asks the second scientist. "Why aren't you using rats?" "Well you know how it is," the first scientist replies. "You can get attached to rats."

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke." "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in Cokes?"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

A lawyer was on his deathbed and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?" He told her to run and get the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. "What are you doing, honey?" she asked. "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

There are two kinds of lawyers. Those who know the law and those who know the judge.

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A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then over more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," she says. "Divorce attorney."

Two friends are discussing their legal woes. "I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?" asked one. The other replied, "No, he charged me for it."

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced, saying, "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," said the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98 percent of its members give the rest a bad name.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors—tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I’ll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other 11 wanted to acquit."

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me, could you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "That man is a lawyer." "How can you tell?" inquires Harry. George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100 percent accurate and totally useless."

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