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Lawyer Jokes

More lawyer jokes. Hey, they can take it.

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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partner.
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A butcher was minding his store one-day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat from his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said, "You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50. The lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50—with a bill attached for $150, for "legal consultation."

A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of embezzlement. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm, "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

Q: Why does the Bar Association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash for each of you, to be held until I die. I trust you to put the money in my coffin so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the coffin because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the coffin because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch, the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies, " What are you worried about? We're both here."

Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture eventually lets go.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle- aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partner.

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

A guy calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?" The little girl said, "The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?
A: The bucket.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man—you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man—you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man—you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk were walking down the street when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill. Who got it? The old drunk, of course—the other three are mythical creatures.

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the Devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair," he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up!" barked the Devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time, he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant in her lap. "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name." "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?" The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a partner in your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul and the souls of each of your three kids—and you have to agree to sell every one of your clients down the river." "Okay," said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"

The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be 100." That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?" "I didn’t recognize you," replied God.

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

An attorney was having an affair with his secretary. During one encounter, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and one day the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." The attorney came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti—two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy stood up and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "Actually, I'm an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A man visits a high-priced lawyer and says, "If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" The lawyer answered, "Absolutely—what's the second question?"

A busload of lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the scene and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house and ask what happened. "A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus caught fire," replied the farmer. "But what happened to all the lawyers?" asked the policeman. "I buried them," the farmer said. "They were all dead?" cried the officer. "Some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know that lawyers are very good at lying."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

We say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." A lawyer says, "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

Q: If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?
A: A law firm.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding the case be reopened, saying, "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense." The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?" The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" The coroner said, "No." "Did you check for breathing?" asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, "No." The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

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