Dribbleglass.com (1149 bytes)

Lawyer Jokes

Lawyers are often the victims of unfair ridicule and cruel jokes. This is our contribution to this unfortunate and wildly amusing practice (which, of course, we don't condone).

quote-left.gif (159 bytes)
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

A: About three pounds, including the urn.
quote-right.gif (155 bytes)

IDEAL WEIGHT
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

HOW ONE SLEEPS
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

POTHOLES
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
A: People don't usually run over the same pothole more than once.

UGLY DIVORCE
Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

STAMP RECALL
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

CRAVINGS
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

BLINDS DRAWN
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doc?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

I.Q.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.

ONE EVERY HOUR
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

VULTURES
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

STOPPING A BUS
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

HARROWING DIVORCE
A man took a trip out west after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up, "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

TOXIC WASTE
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.

quote-left.gif (159 bytes)
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

A: Never enough.
quote-right.gif (155 bytes)

CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: He saw a car accident on the other side.

HYENAS
Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas has some dignity.

VAMPIRES
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

TAKING IT WITH YOU
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan—when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife was up in the attic cleaning and found the two pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

ARMADILLO
Q: What's the difference between a dead armadillo in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the armadillo.

AFTER THEY DIE
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

THIS IS A MISTAKE
A prominent young attorney is on his way to court when he gets hit by a bus. Suddenly, he's at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. "This is a mistake," the lawyer protests. "I'm much too young to die. I'm only 35!" St. Peter replies, "Hey, that's funny. Based on the number of hours you've billed clients, we thought you had to be at least 107."

DEMON
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from Hell?
A: Another lawyer.

DEEPER GRAVES
Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
A: Because deep down, they're much nicer people.

SO HARD
Q: Why is it so hard to drown a lawyer?
A: Scum floats.

IRS AGENT
Q: Why didn't the IRS agent feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

LAWYER AND A ROOSTER
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

home.jpg (4312 bytes)jokesbuttn.jpg (4203 bytes)

Pictures || Jokes || Trivia || Fallacies || Articles || Strange || Cards || Mixed Bag || Links || What's New || Feedback || Home