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Internet Humor

It's about time somebody culled through the dozens and dozens of humorous e-mails circulating on the Internet. I've taken on the task.

AIR FORCE MAINTENANCE

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per minute descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."


YOUR CALL

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S NOT TOO BRIGHT

The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few cans short of a six-pack.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

One taco short of a combination plate.

All foam, no beer.

As smart as bait.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

A room temperature IQ.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.


THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not "bet his ass."

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."


SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE '90s

You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready.

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her Web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you have yet to speak to your next door neighbor.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you to send her a .jpeg of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.

You receive a well-deserved 10% raise. You report the good news to your family. Your daughter replies that her boyfriend, who is 21 and works for an Internet company, was just granted options currently worth $6 million.

The good news: your daughter is awarded a prestigious summer internship. The bad news: it's at the White House.

Your husband is diagnosed with Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. The doctor urges that the TV remote be hidden.

You are invited by friends to a bottled water tasting.

You find, as you surf through ebay, that your wife is in the process of auctioning off your golf clubs.


MEN ARE LIKE...

Men are like newborn babies.
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like power tools.
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like remote controls.
Simple. Easy to use. And can usually be found lying around a TV.

Men are like shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like vacuum cleaners.
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like road kill.
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like soap operas.
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like old car tires.
Balding, full of hot air and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like plastic wrap.
Cheap, clingy and very easy to see through.

Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.


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