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The Wit and Wisdom of
Homer Simpson

homer1.gif (2446 bytes)The best of Homer is yet to come. Which kinda makes you wonder why we didn't give you the best first. But hey, maybe it's a good time to learn that's not how life works!

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here."

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

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If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!
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Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur!

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

(Praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy bidding will be done.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Internet! Is that thing still around?

Trying is the first step towards failure.

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Trying is the first step towards failure.
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All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college.

America's health care system is second only to Japan...Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.

Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?

A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets, and he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

Bart, you're saying "butt-kisser" like it's a bad thing!

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch my self in two places at once.

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It is better to watch things than do them.
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Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Stupid risks make life worth living.

How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't?

I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.

Stupid T.V. Be more funny.

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

It is better to watch things than to do them.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.

Let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.

I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity.

I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!
Submitted by Adrienne S.

I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS!
Submitted by Brian J.

Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleepin a blender.
Submitted by Michelle

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
Submitted by Paul P.

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a cue tip!
Submitted by Kelby T.

I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. SMRT.
Submitted by Joe T.

There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!
Submitted by Boris

Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!
Submitted by Jim S.

The winner will be praised with riches, the loser will be booed until my throat is sore.
Submitted by Laura M.

You're lucky boy, because it's spanking season and I got a hankerin' for some spankerin'.
Submitted by Adam C.

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Florida. That's America's wang.
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Don't hassle the dead boy.  They have eerie powers.
Submitted by Nick B.

Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Submitted by Joe P.

Crying won't bring your dog back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So, you can go on sitting there crying and eating dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food for your dog to come back, or you get up and find your dog!
Submitted by Steve H.

Note to self. Stop doing anything.
Submitted by Cody R.

Florida. That's America's wang.
Submitted by Patrick C.

If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.
Submitted by Andrew T.

Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.
Submitted by Andrew T.

Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax.
Submitted by Tim G.

If it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.
Submitted by Tim G.

Who needs new music? We all know rock music attained perfection in 1974.
Submitted by Andrew S.

Homer no function beer well without.
Submitted by Armando M.

I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus.
Submitted by Julie D.

Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.
Submitted by Anthony R.

Submit your favorite Homerism!

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