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The Wit and Wisdom of
Homer Simpson

homer1.gif (2446 bytes)Feel like you can't get enough of Homer? Well, let's put that feeling to the test, shall we?

Extended warranty! How can I lose?
Submitted by Joel R.

I wanna set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.
Submitted by Dylan P.

Son, you don't want beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
Submitted by Dylan P.

People can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
Submitted by Graham M.

Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpville. Population: You.
Submitted by Elaine K.

The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Submitted by Elaine K.


A graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon, but you can’t make my shoes smell good?
Submitted by Elaine K.


God bless those pagans!
Submitted by Elaine K.


To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Submitted by Tom and Mark E.

I want answers now, or I want them eventually!
Submitted by Tanya P.

You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an electrified fooling machine.
Submitted by Scott L.

Remember last month I paid back that money you loaned me? Well, now I need you to do me a favor!
Submitted by Shelley

First you tell me not to buy the pony, now you're telling me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Submitted by Jessie M.

In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Submitted by Jason R.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Submitted by Josie M.

I've always been a firm believer in the three Rs. Reading TV Guide, writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide.
Submitted by Chad C.

It's true I'm a rageoholic. I just can't live without rageahol.
Submitted by Chad C.

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It's true I'm a rageoholic. I'm addicted to rageohol.
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In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Submitted by Josie M.

Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
Submitted by Josie M.

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Submitted by Josie M.

Can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.
Submitted by Josie M.

Yes, honey, just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
Submitted by Josie M.

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?
Submitted by Josie M.

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Submitted by Josie M.

Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.
Submitted by Josie M.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
Submitted by Josie M.

Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
Submitted by Josie M.

No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz.
Submitted by Josie M.

There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.
Submitted by Josie M.

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Submitted by Josie M.

Consider them smacked and hugged. I don't consider it a message if it's not mixed anyway.
Submitted by Jake R.

If God had wanted me to go to church for an hour a week, he would have made the week an hour longer.
Submitted by Bill M.

Leaves of four, eat some more!
Submitted by William M.

Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable Hellions, pardon my French, but they act like savages! Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did, you're everywhere, you're omnivorous.
Submitted by Alan K.

It's because they're stupid.  That's why everyone does everything.
Submitted by Kelly W.

Hallucinations again? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.
Submitted by Katrina W.

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Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?
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This gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of  power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Submitted by Tom B.

But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day, then it was every other day.  Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.
Submitted by Dennis C.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?
Submitted by Dennis C.

Why, you could wake up tomorrow and be dead.
Submitted by James K.

You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving.
Submitted by Dennis C.

With $10,000, we can be millionaires!
Submitted by Dani

It's going to take a lot of fireworks to clean this mess up.
Submitted by Carlos H.

Ah, beer. My love for you will never die.
Submitted by Jeff S.

The fame was like a drug.  But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
Submitted by Jason M.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose—it's how drunk you get.

Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike—you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Submit your favorite Homerism!

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