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The Wit and Wisdom of
Homer Simpson

homer1.gif (2446 bytes)Who doesn't love and admire Homer Simpson? While this lovable oaf has entertained us for more than a decade, we often overlook the profound and entertaining insights he imparts. Here are some of his more memorable gems.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
Submitted by Dale L.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
Submitted by Aaron Z.

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.
Submitted by William L.

My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to bogart her for life.
Submitted by Billy R.

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do?
Submitted by Russell C.

Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.
Submitted by Tim C.

My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate.
Submitted by Kevin

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."
Submitted by Russell C.

Is the poop deck really what I think it is?

I have a great new motivation tecnique, it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts.
Submitted by Chase B.

If God didn't want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
Submitted by Chase B.

I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.
Submitted by Chase B.

Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
Submitted by J. James

How is education going to make me smarter?
Submitted by Berge A.

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

How many pounds are in a gallon?
Submitted by Brian

They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.
Submitted by Daniel L.

I wish God were alive to see this.
Submitted by Amy S.

When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work.
Submitted by Adam G.

I've got to get out of this rut and back in the groove.
Submitted by Henry G.

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
Submitted by Deb A.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why'd he make them so tasty?
Submitted by Deb A.

Oh, spiteful one! Tell me who to smote and they shall be smotted.
Submitted by Doug D.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
Submitted by Andrew C.

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Operator! Give me the number for 911!
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All these guys with six pack abs, and I'm the only one with a keg.
Submitted by William A.

Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
Submitted by Kyle W.

Marge, it's uter-us not uter-you.
Submitted by Kristen N.

Marge your cooking only has two moves, Shake and Bake.
Submitted by Jonathan T.

If the Bible has taught us anything—which it hasn't—it's that girls should stick to girl's sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such.
Submitted by Ross M.

My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.
Submitted by Jonathan T.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and die!
Submitted by Amy W.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.
Submitted by Dylan P.

Television. Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Submitted by Emily

A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one.

Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can't we all just get along?
Submitted by Leah M.

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.
Submitted by Amanda P.

A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.
Submitted by Bryan K.

I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
Submitted by Todd M.

American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?
Submitted by Dylan P.

Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?

I never apologize, I'm sorry but that's the way I am.
Submitted by Mario

I'd love to go to church, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Submitted by Craig M.

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
Submitted by Chris C.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Submitted by Matt T.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
Submitted by Andrew K.

But Dad, you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
Submitted by Brad M.

He's trying to hypnotize me, and it's not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.
Submitted by Joe M.

What's the point of having children if you can't buy their love?
Submitted by Ian R.

It's like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won.
Submitted by Mike T.

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It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
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Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
Submitted by Dylan P.

I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

That horse had better win, or else we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come.
Submitted by Julie D.

Internet. They have that on computers now?

It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
Submitted by Kink

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.
Submitted by Rachel

Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if  you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more.
Submitted by Kink

Submit your favorite Homerism!

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