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Hallmark Cards You'll
(Probably) Never See

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me.

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends,
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

Happy vasectomy,
hope you feel zippy
'cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me, like the need for therapy."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
she moved in with me.

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age—almost lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket--I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."

I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday—so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only in Alabama.)

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