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Let's delve into the wonders of our language with a few reminders that even everyday words and expressions can be a source of amusement—with the proper twist, of course.

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Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Account: A countess' husband.

Accrue: The people who run a ship.

Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Asset: A little donkey.

Atheism: A non-prophet organization.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.

Barium: What we do to most people when they die.

Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.

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Coffee: A person coughed upon.
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Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.

College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

Derange: Where dee buffalo roam.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Eclipse: What an Italian barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone me-deep in conversation.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Fancy restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Handkerchief: Cold storage.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Misty: How some golfers create divots.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies more.

Myth: A female moth.

Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Normalize: 20-20 vision.

Oily: The opposite of late.

Opportunist: A person who, when they fall into a river, starts taking a bath.

Paradox: Two physicians.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after.

Polygon: A dead parrot.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

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Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
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Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Shortening: One of the important ingredients in a good sermon.

Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

Subdued: Like, a guy, who like, works on one of those, like, submarines.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed.

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