Every day, people call computer companies, looking for help, trying to get parts for their machines or just trying to understand their new (and sometimes confounding) toys. The following are quotes from actual calls to the sales department of a major computer company. And you think you have a tough job.
Do you have keyboards that are laid out in alphabetical order?
"The techs won't help me because my computer is in the box in the closet."
"Do that computer come with a thermonitor?"
"I bought a computer from you. Do I have enough credibility to get some other stuff?"
Customer: You don't understand. I got to get the computer on payments every two weeks.
Customer: Because I'm on public assistance and that's when I get my check!
"Do you sell ink cartilages for my canyon?"
"Do you have keyboards that are laid out in alphabetical order?"
"So, is the 17-inch monitor faster?
"Let me call you backwhat's your extinction?"
Client: "I want an 80-gig hard drive."
Rep: "Yes sir, that's $350 plus shipping and handling."
Client: "What size do I have now?"
Rep: "You have a 15-gig, sir."
Client: "Is that bigger than an 80?"
"Can you tell me what we bought? We were pretty drunk last night when we ordered it."
"My kids told me not to touch the computer because I'm too dumb."
"I want to buy ink cartridges at Staples. If I put it on my VISA, will you send me the money?"
"When I was taking my new monitor out of the box, I dropped it. Will you send me a new one?"
"Is it mandatory to have air conditioning and carpet in the room where the computer goes?"
"I can't make this Zip disc fit into my computer's floppy drive."
"You'll have to explain that. I'm computer illegitimate."
Rep: "Who do you work for, please?"
Customer: "Blue Moon Management."
Rep: "What do you do there?"
Customer: "I manage."
A call from Alabama: "I reckon I need to constipate it for awhile."
"How much stuff comes on a computer, because Im trying to get one of all of 'em."
I was calling for tentacle support.
"I talked to a lady about a computer I didn't order. Can I talk to her again?"
"My wife and me split up. Can you send me something that says the computer was in my name?"
"I need to increase the DIMM-RIMM on my computer. I have a 31 in there now."
"I want to buy a motherbox."
"What if your mouse has a shortage in it?"
"I won a computer from Kelloggs, but it doesn't have a serial number."
"I was calling for tentacle support."
"I'm going to put the phone by the window so you can look at the garden while I get my credit card."
"I'm getting a divorce, and I've been e-mailing this other guy. If I get a new hard drive, and replace the old one, will that destroy the evidence?"
"I was talking to tech support, and they said I've got to buy a new monitor because the old one was damaged by a surcharge."
"Is my computer paid off yet? Every time I buy something, my balance keeps
"Can I transfer the Internet from my old computer to my new one?"
Can I transfer the Internet from my old computer to my new one?
(Entry from tech notes): "Client tried to create a network using only one computer."
"My computer was making a knocking noise inside the box, and they say they
can't fix it because of the roaches inside."
Rep: "The keyboard costs $54 including shipping and handling."
Customer: "Is that for the whole keyboard?
"Is it easy to install? He's pretty intelligible with fixing things."
"Do you have the keys E, R, F and N for a laptop?"
"I need some CO2 cartridges for my printer."
Rep: Your system came with two 32MB chipshave you added any to that?
Customer: Yes, I put in another chip.
Rep: How big a chip did you add?
Customer: I don't know. But I took it out and sent it back.
"I need to talk to someone in the service departmentI'm not getting any."
"Can I get my computer faster if I fax you that money order?"
"I'm trying to get the Internet, but you people never gave me an e-mail address!"
"Does that scanner come with software to make the pictures edible for Microsoft Word?"
"How do I put my CDs in the binder? They only have one hole, and the binder has two rings."
Submitted by Bill M. (and his very patient colleagues).
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