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Blonde Jokes

Blondes have taken enough abuse. Kidding, just kidding. There's a lot more abuse to be had. Here, then, are a few of the best blonde jokes--EVER.

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Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought "love handles" referred to her ears?
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DEODORANT
A blonde goes into a pharmacy and tells the clerk, "I need some deodorant for my husband." "The ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

OVERHEAD
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!"

DENT REMOVAL
A blonde left her car out in a hailstorm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing. She told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

ON THE SAFE SIDE
A blonde, about to go on a date, goes into the drug store to buy some condoms—just in case. She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, "How much for a box of condoms?" "They're one dollar for a box of three," he replied, "Plus eight cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

NEW TECH
A blonde says to her psychiatrist, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." He replies, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" She says, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." The psychiatrist, laughing to himself, asks, "Uh, how's that working?" The blonde replies, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." He asks, "And why do you think that is?" The blonde in all her wisdom replies, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around my post code keeps changing.

THE JUMPER
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

CRIME OF PASSION
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes to his apartment to check on him, and sure enough, she opens the door to find him in the arms of a buxom redhead. The blonde is furious and shattered by his utter duplicity. Overcome with emotion, she brings out a gun and points it at her own temple. The boyfriend yells "No, don't do it! I'm sorry! I love you!" She cocks the hammer and screams, "Shut up! You're next!"

THE MIRROR
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies' room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature--a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and, upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

BIRDIE
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

LOCKED DOOR
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. The first said "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" The second replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

SWIMMING THE ENGLISH CHANNEL
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

SKYDIVING
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord--nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

TRACKS
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing and half-an-hour later they were both killed by a train.

HANDLES
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought "love handles" referred to her ears?

STATE CAPITOLS
One day a blonde decided that she had had it with the "Dumb Blonde" jokes going around. As a result, she decided she would show all the sexists that blondes really are smart, so she set out to learn the capitol of each of the United States. A few days later, armed with her new-found knowledge, she overheard the watercooler talk among some co-workers; again brazenly laughing over the lack of blonde intellect. Having had our fill, our buxom blonde interrupted the group and advised she could prove to them that all blondes were not dumb. She said she could give the capitol of any state, and taken aback by her confidence, a gentleman asked her to name the capitol of the State of Maine. With a few moments of thought, the blonde, as confident as could be, smiled and gleefully stated "M"!

LIBRARY
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

BLONDE SUICIDE
A blonde went to the doctor's office and the doctor said, "How did you get a hole in your left hand?" The blonde replied, "I wanted to commit suicide so I took a gun and put it up to my chest, but then I thought, 'This will mess up my $3,000 boob job.' So, I put the gun up to my nose and thought, 'This will mess up my $2,000 nose reconstruction.' So, then, I decided to put the gun to my ear. Now, I'm afraid of noises, so I put my left hand up to my other ear and pulled the trigger."

HEAD AND SHOULDERS
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and the problem had cleared. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

THE FIELD
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said, "You know, it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied, "I know, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

RESPONSIBLE DRIVER
A car was driving down the street when suddenly it started swerving. The car was going back and forth until someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I  had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

HANGING AROUND
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. Two days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked the blonde what she was doing and she replied,"I'm hanging myself. "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I already tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: By doing the splits.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's Wite-Out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A. There's writing on the Wite-Out.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

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Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
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Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Buy her another beer.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blonde!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: Only a few hundred men went down on "The Titanic."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
A: Because on the box it said, "From 2-4 years."

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A: The blonde!

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the Ws.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: "What, what?"

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said, "Don't Walk."

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
A: Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!

Q: What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: A padded dash.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate."


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